Starting Over

This has been bothering me for months now. I can't help but think about starting my life over and I mean moving to a completely different town and figuring it all out on my own. Why the hell I would think about that I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm so tired of being here and seeing the same stuff all the time. I'm just done with this. I can't see my life here anymore, I don't want this at all, I want to laugh and love and feel absolutely free. All I feel now is trapped. I feel so useless too, I've tried doing so much but I can't figure out where it is I'm needed. No. Not where I'm needed but where I feel right. I don't feel right anywhere. I don't feel like a part of anything. I don't belong anywhere. How the hell am I contributing to society?

I think I just want my own life. I want my own struggles and I want to face them head on. I want to know that I can take care of myself. I want a job as a flight attendant. I want to travel and stay in hotels. I want to meet interesting people. I've lost sight of all my goals. I don't know what I want anymore. What's happened to me?

All I can think of is trying to finish my associates degree in liberal arts then becoming a flight attendant. I just don't want to go to school if it means I have to live in my parents' house. I can't do that anymore. I have to live my own life. There is no change if I stay here. I don't hate my parents or my family, I really love them I just can't live here and think my life is going to be any different then when I was in high school.

I just wish I could talk to them about this without feeling like I'm letting them down completely. I don't even know why I feel that way. They've always said they'd be happy with whatever I chose to do with my life, so why can't I say that I want to quit school after I get my associate and become a flight attendant. I mean I would most likely go back to school when I'm more certain about what I want to do. It's just right now all I want to do is see the world and try new things.

I'm just really stressed out right now. I should focus on passing my classes instead of worrying about talking to my parents. I'll deal with this over the summer when I see them.

Reading

I don't know if it's my ill health or the fact that I have some important research due for my English class, but I've recently decided I need to read more. Maybe I should give you a little backstory before I jump into this. In English I had this Summary/Response paper due. I was supposed to research an author, find an article in a scholarly journal, summarize it, and respond to it. After going through about 4 authors I realized I was out of people to research. I couldn't believe myself. I'd always thought I was a well rounded person and a frequent reader. What I found out was that I hardly finish books, and those that I have finished are relatively new ones. For some reason I don't really give the classics a chance which is the opposite compared to how I feel about movies. I almost always chose a classic over a more recent movie.

Basically, I eventually found someone to do my assignment on. I chose Sylvia Plath, which was a huge mistake because I didn't give myself enough time to analyze the article. I ended up getting sick on Tuesday and going through hell trying to finish that damn Summary/Response.

I've been so out of it since I finished the paper and all I can think about is reading. Escaping to different worlds and finding myself immersed in the words of someone else, I need that. Part of it might be that I can't seem to deal with my own life right now, with all that's been going on in my life. I've been under so much stress the past few weeks (that might be why I'm sick now). I just need a really good book to take over my life for the next few days.

Right now I've decided on The Host by Stephanie Meyer. Yeah I know it's not a classic and that's basically why I'm aiming for, but the movie is coming out at the end of the month and I need to re-read it. After that I swear I will finish The Great Gatsby. I can't keep giving up half way through a book.

This entry kinda sucks but I'm still working through this headache and I can't think straight. It was nice to get this down in writing though.