Starting Over

This has been bothering me for months now. I can't help but think about starting my life over and I mean moving to a completely different town and figuring it all out on my own. Why the hell I would think about that I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm so tired of being here and seeing the same stuff all the time. I'm just done with this. I can't see my life here anymore, I don't want this at all, I want to laugh and love and feel absolutely free. All I feel now is trapped. I feel so useless too, I've tried doing so much but I can't figure out where it is I'm needed. No. Not where I'm needed but where I feel right. I don't feel right anywhere. I don't feel like a part of anything. I don't belong anywhere. How the hell am I contributing to society?

I think I just want my own life. I want my own struggles and I want to face them head on. I want to know that I can take care of myself. I want a job as a flight attendant. I want to travel and stay in hotels. I want to meet interesting people. I've lost sight of all my goals. I don't know what I want anymore. What's happened to me?

All I can think of is trying to finish my associates degree in liberal arts then becoming a flight attendant. I just don't want to go to school if it means I have to live in my parents' house. I can't do that anymore. I have to live my own life. There is no change if I stay here. I don't hate my parents or my family, I really love them I just can't live here and think my life is going to be any different then when I was in high school.

I just wish I could talk to them about this without feeling like I'm letting them down completely. I don't even know why I feel that way. They've always said they'd be happy with whatever I chose to do with my life, so why can't I say that I want to quit school after I get my associate and become a flight attendant. I mean I would most likely go back to school when I'm more certain about what I want to do. It's just right now all I want to do is see the world and try new things.

I'm just really stressed out right now. I should focus on passing my classes instead of worrying about talking to my parents. I'll deal with this over the summer when I see them.

Reading

I don't know if it's my ill health or the fact that I have some important research due for my English class, but I've recently decided I need to read more. Maybe I should give you a little backstory before I jump into this. In English I had this Summary/Response paper due. I was supposed to research an author, find an article in a scholarly journal, summarize it, and respond to it. After going through about 4 authors I realized I was out of people to research. I couldn't believe myself. I'd always thought I was a well rounded person and a frequent reader. What I found out was that I hardly finish books, and those that I have finished are relatively new ones. For some reason I don't really give the classics a chance which is the opposite compared to how I feel about movies. I almost always chose a classic over a more recent movie.

Basically, I eventually found someone to do my assignment on. I chose Sylvia Plath, which was a huge mistake because I didn't give myself enough time to analyze the article. I ended up getting sick on Tuesday and going through hell trying to finish that damn Summary/Response.

I've been so out of it since I finished the paper and all I can think about is reading. Escaping to different worlds and finding myself immersed in the words of someone else, I need that. Part of it might be that I can't seem to deal with my own life right now, with all that's been going on in my life. I've been under so much stress the past few weeks (that might be why I'm sick now). I just need a really good book to take over my life for the next few days.

Right now I've decided on The Host by Stephanie Meyer. Yeah I know it's not a classic and that's basically why I'm aiming for, but the movie is coming out at the end of the month and I need to re-read it. After that I swear I will finish The Great Gatsby. I can't keep giving up half way through a book.

This entry kinda sucks but I'm still working through this headache and I can't think straight. It was nice to get this down in writing though.

So Done

I have no clue why today I'm saying this but I'm gonna die a lonely virgin. I know guys hate it when girls are desperate whiny bitches, but today is my day to be just that, especially because there are no guys in my life. I guess this starts with the fact that I go to COMMUNITY COLLEGE AND I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS GOING NOWHERE. Glad to get that off my chest. Then when I finally think "Hey maybe I have a chance with this one cute guy in my Communications class." He's taken. Of course he is, why should that surprise me at all? Then here comes fucking Misha Collins and his beautiful ass life which for some reason I can't stop reading about.

For those of you who don't know Misha Collins plays the angel Castiel in the show Supernatural which I have quickly become addicted to. So Misha is introduced and I'm automatically hooked, and I have to find out who this beautiful ass man is. So naturally I look him up on IMDB. He's married to his high school sweetheart, they have two kids, he built their house and practically all their furniture. Then of course like an idiot I go looking for the story about how he proposed. He made her engagement ring! THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20 YEARS. So now I'm over here dying because I know I'll never get that.

Now for some reason all I want is to be homeless so I can try and figure out what the hell my life is supposed to amount to. I don't know exactly how losing everything will help me figure that out, but I figure if I hit my low there's no where to go but up. I just feel like giving up on whatever love life God had planned for me and focusing on myself. Unless that is the point. Then great.

This rant didn't make me feel any better than when I started. I actually feel worse. What is wrong with me?

Fashion Challenge Day 1

From Head to Toe:
Peach Ribbon (you can't really see it but it's holding my pony tail)
Navy Blue/Light Blue Scarf
Tan Longsleeve Shirt
Army Green Skirt
Plaid Green/Blue/Tan Converse

New Idea

Decided to start a new 30 day challenge. I'm going to take a picture everyday of my outfit. Hopefully I'll be able to come up with a new outfit everyday. I should make that part of the challenge...maybe we'll take it easy first, then see how well I do. I haven't gotten dressed yet but the challenge starts today so once I'm all ready to go I'll take a pic and upload it.

Now here's the real question: should I do it here or on Tumblr?

I do use Tumblr more often, and people actually look at my Tumblr so that might be the smart way to go if I want feedback. I don't like to write on that too much though. What if I decided to do a 30 day challenge every month. Of course that would be a little difficult when I get to November because I'm starting late. I could have two challenges overlapping. See how that goes.

Hmm... I'll start on my Tumblr then I suppose. But I'll keep you updated too.

Magic Mike (The First And Second Time)

I had the pleasure of watching Magic Mike the day it came out in a theatre full of middle aged women, and half the time I was giggling like an idiot. Basically the stripper scenes were almost overshadowing everything else in the movie. I mean they were amazingly hot thanks to the incredibly sexy cast. So I was a very happy viewer that is until we reach the portion of the movie that deals with Alex Pettyfer's dumbass character Adam aka "The Kid" and his choice of becoming a drug dealer, basically after the scene with the hurricane the movie goes down hill and made me kinda want to walk out of the movie theatre. It just took me to this really dark place which I didn't want to be in after being in such a state of happiness. It killed the mood.

The second time I watched the movie was because my sister wanted to go see it and my mom said we couldn't go see The Amazing Spiderman unless my whole family could come (not that I hate my family it was just getting too late and my mom didn't want to go out). I got to the theatre, sat down, the movie started, and all I could think about was that last half of the movie and then after the first stripping scene all I could think was "Maybe I should just go see Ted," "I wonder if I can still go in to see Ted," "I don't even have to know what happened at the beginning I just don't want to see the end of this movie." But finally loyalty to my friends came first and I decided to continue watching Magic Mike. By the time the movie was over I was so depressed all I could say about the movie was how depressing it was I couldn't even focus on the stripping.

If there is anything good to say about my experience watching Magic Mike it's that 1. I never want to be a stripper if I ever had the slightest thought of possibly becoming a stripper it was destroyed after that movie and 2. I never want to do drugs not that I ever actually wanted to but if I was ever in a situation where someone offered me drugs that scene would come up in my head amongst other things then I'd feel all dirty like Alex Pettyfer with a beard and walk away, no hesitation, then I'd probably take a shower.

It's The Second Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It means summer for those of you who don't share the same interests as me. I've been having fun and I've been extremely busy doing American things like going to Target and watching fireworks on the 4th of July etc. I've been neglecting the blog a little but I haven't even written any journal entries so I know I've been extra busy. Especially with learning how to drive kinda, sucks I'm kinda nervous for this test. I don't know exactly why I came on here to write maybe just wishing all of you a great summer. Have a good time and don't just lay on your ass I mean unless you really want to but if you're bored then do something for goodness sake I mean figure it out there's got to be something you can do. For example later today I will go to the pool (hopefully) plus I've got to work out (especially because I can't get away from all the delicious and fattening food). Ride your bike, read a book, take a walk, clean your room, stalk your favorite celebrity or regular person, make a blog, play a game, try new hairstyles, try on makeup, water your garden, make a garden, decorate your room. I don't know just whatever, now go do something.