Hermit Issues

I don't know what else to call this but lately I've been hanging out in the library a lot because I only have three classes from now until graduation, but I feel like the more I hang out there the more I become socially awkward. As if I wasn't enough. It doesn't exactly help that my friends barely come to school because they're studying. I don't blame them or anything it just doesn't help that I lost that comfort circle of people. Now I leave the library and I see people and I just feel so out of place and nervous and anxious. I order my sandwich for lunch and I feel like the teachers in the snack bar are scrutinizing my every move. So I stand there like, Ok Cari, just put your bag down on that table, no one's gonna take it, no one's gonna think your weird, it's just a bag, not a bomb or anything. Seriously any time I leave my bag unattended now I feel like someone is going to think I left a bomb, I have no idea why, I usually just leave my bag wherever. Now I especially hate lunch time because that's when all the people are out and about causing havoc among the school, the idiotic middle schoolers in particular. I try to avoid normal lunch time as much as possible, which is easy because I have no classes before or after lunch. I can either take a late or early lunch. But today I have to see all of them because my brother has my lunch, damn.

Right now I'm sitting in the high school IB study room and there are about five people in here including me and I still feel out of place, like I shouldn't be here. And I know these people, they're perfectly nice people. I just don't feel like I can enjoy scrolling through tumblr or watching youtube videos in here, like everyone knows what I'm doing. I'm not even looking at anything bad.

I think I just like to be alone especially now when everyone is stressing about their finals, I like to stay away from that. In my far corner in the library I'm all alone most of the time and it's nice and cold and there's a little sofa seat that I can sit on when I feel like writing and put my feet up and relax. The reason I've been thinking a lot about people also might be because I have had the minimal amount of human contact at my school. So I haven't talked to anyone which causes my mind to roam like crazy, I think I might be going crazy. But who cares, I like my corner of solitude, for now. I'll talk to people later.

This Hermit Crab definitely represents me right now, plus it's so cute I had to post it :)

Heading Out For Battle

My math textbook is probably burning in hell right now and that's why I can't find it. In a couple of hours, more like an hour, I will be taking my Math SL FINAL EXAM. I know I probably shouldn't be freaking out over it so I decided to leave the room where everyone was freaking out. It was becoming extremely stressful. I gave myself this big extravagant pep talk this morning as I looked at myself in the mirror. Now I'm beginning to see that this test doesn't matter for much and even if I do get a three or four I shouldn't worry. But that's just my predicament, for other people this test does matter, a lot. So to those people, may the odds be ever in your favor and lets hope the gods look favorably upon you. Oh and I brought little Thor (from the cup I got at the movies) with me just in case I needed a little comfort and a laugh. Or I could just look at this:

Maybe it's not the test I'm so worried about, maybe it's the aftermath. Haha...after-MATH, oh god I'm becoming my mother. Well anyway I know that my friends will probably be drained (I'll probably be drained too) and then they might get all emotional and start crying (I don't blame them I did too during mocks). I have no idea how to comfort them, I'm so awkward when it comes to that and I always end up saying the wrong thing so I usually just keep my mouth shut. I hope I don't cry, that would be very bad. Mostly because I don't have as much at stake here, then if I get upset everyone is gonna be like, "Ugh OMG why is CARINA crying, this test isn't even important for her." But they don't understand. I used to be great at Math, I wasn't a genius or anything but I was good enough for Pre AP Math. I used to get straight As, 100s on practically all my quizzes and tests. Then I came here and for some reason my Math grade has fallen and I've never gotten all marks on a test or quiz since the beginning of 11th grade. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Well I have an idea but there's nothing I can do about it now, the year is over and all I have left to show for my knowledge in Math is this test. And I'm most likely going to fail. Going from straight As to failing, and then people ask why this school sucks.

Right now I'm just trying to calm myself down now and let what happens happen. I shouldn't beat myself up so much. I hope this goes better than I think it will, it probably won't but whatever.